Obama, plus one

“Bear Witness.”

It is a subtle porn name that all Americans can claim this morning after Barack Obama’s victory Tuesday. Whether you were a McCain, Obama, Nader, Barr etc. voter, what happened yesterday was something not unimaginable but unbelievable. Now, people can argue about whether an Obama presidency will make us safer, more economically stable and healthier but it cannot be argued that today is just like any other day in America. And we are all witnesses to this dawning.

On NBC, Obama campaign manager David Plouffe talked about competing in red states such as Indiana and North Carolina, dubbing their strategy as “the art of the possible.”  And between Kevin Garnett freaking out, Obama winning states such as Virginia and North Carolina, and this yahoo being a master pick-up artist, quite possibly anything is possible. As my buddy D-How would say, “I can. I can believe it.”

(SIDENOTE: D-How is a Republican and ended his evening by firing off a sulking email to friends saying, “The jerk store called. They just ran out of Obama. There, I said it.”)

So what I have for readers is as follows: a collection of thoughts, observations and musings from me, Mrs. Pony and my buddies all over the U.S. While not quite a running diary, it generally follows the course of the evening and is heavily influenced by my handwriting and the increasing effects of wine on said handwriting. Earlier in the day I had asked my friends to keep me posted about things they saw or thought about Tuesday that might be election-related, an important note considering my friend Johnstone’s unmitigated admiration of all things Campbell Brown.

–To start the day, my buddy Tim! implores me to comment on Chris Berman interviewing Obama and McCain on Monday Night Football, using the words “terrible” and “Berman looks like he’s dying of cancer.” The truth is though that no one in their right mind could think these interviews would be revealing. The candidates worked too hard and too long go on and say something of note like, “You know, the term ‘Redskins’ is pretty racist when you think about it, and I think it’s deplorable that a professional sports franchise would continue to call itself by that name.” Not going to happen. Instead we get answers to questions like “best piece of sports advice,” which is not altogether a terrible question. But the night before the election? In the case of McCain, we were treated to the lovely background noise of jet engines as he gave his interview on a tarmac.

(Coincidentally, the best piece of sports advice I ever received was from my hoops coach Charlie Viars (sp?) when I was 10. He said, “Dribbling into the corner is like going to the toilet. Don’t do it unless you have to.”)

–After being called “un-American” for making plans involving turkey chili, Tim! blames “the food-buying mistakes of his purportedly health conscious girlfriend.” I thought you should know this.

–To receive a free ice cream cone after you voted, Ben and Jerry’s is requiring the customer to have a purple-dyed finger “a la Baghdad,” according to my brother Dan. If you know anything about Ben and Jerry’s this is not altogether unbelievable.

–”Hold…..Hold……HoLD!….HOLD!….send the horse. Full attack,” says Johnstone.

–News from a New York City polling place via Pony correspondent Patrick: “I just watched some elderly lady berate the cr-p out of this 50-year-old guy because she overheard him mentioning to the poll worker that it was his first time voting ever. The eavesdropping older lady reacted with contempt saying that she’s been ‘voting for over sixty years with out missing an election’ and ‘not voting was shameful.’ It was pretty cool when he politely let her know that he just became an American citizen this year and then everyone started applauding and congratulating him on his new status…then again, old people don’t have that filter in their brain so I guess it wasn’t her fault.”

–Still reeling from Ruben Studdard’s win over Clay Aiken, Mo, Manager of The Does, a fantasy football experience, urges Americans to vote, “Remember to vote for ‘Fresno Thai’ as the new Kettle Chips flavor!”

IMPORTANT NOTE: There I was. Just me and my decision. It was the most important decision I’d make Tuesday and I wasn’t at a polling both or looking at my choice of cereal on the top of the Pony fridge. I had been offered a trade by the best team in my fantasy football league. He wanted Larry Fitzgerald and was willing to give up Tim Hightower and Eddie Royal. I’m not going to lie: I spent a good 2.5 hours mulling over this decision on the most important day of my young citizenry, and ultimately decided to do it but we couldn’t figure out how Royal’s early Thursday game would affect the trade process. So I decided to wait a day when the deal was submarined when a week-old trade D-town, the manager of the best team in the league, had offered to another team was accepted. Incredible.

–A text from D-town who was headed to Grant Park in Chicago obviously concerned about his safety: “If Obama loses and I don’t make it out of this mess alive, I will leave Eddie Royal to you. This text is as good as a will, right?” Yes, we can. He went on to compare Grant Park to Lollapalooza sans marijuana. NBC’s Brian Williams said all 13,500 Chicago PD was at the event. Writes D-town, “Pretty sure the entire Illinois police force is out here. Armed. No chance this can go wrong…”

–It’s 7 p.m. and Mrs. Pony and I settle down on the couch. We’re sticking with NBC but clicking around to all networks. Katie Couric’s eyelashes look like sea urchins landed on her face.

– “All day strong. All day long” — slogan for erectile dysfunction, painkillers or my new personal mantra?

–You heard it here first: NBC London correspondent Dawna Friesen needs to be a Bond girl. And a thousand rounds of applause to Chuck Todd’s Danny Bonaduce goat-tee. That thing is timeless.

–A thought: NBC foreign affairs correspondent Andrea Mitchell is married to Alan Greenspan and a potential economic crisis never came up over dinner? Really? There was never a moment, “Could you please pass the candied yams, and oh, so today some of us were talking and think that our financial institutions were built on stacks of false promises and unmanageable debt. Yeah, and the salt too. Thanks”? Really?

–The real winner in all of this: touchscreen technology. Between George Stephanopoulos, Charlie Gibson, Wolf Blitzer and John King all jabbing at thousands of dollars worth of televisions, there didn’t seem to be too many glitches and they all seemed to be able to operate the devices. I even learned a couple of counties along the way. Hello Sarpy County, Nebraska!

–WTNZ is running a “Two and a Half Men” episode titled, “Prostitutes and Gelato.” I think we just found the 2009 West Knoxville High School prom theme.

–NBC’s Kelly O’Donnell reports that McCain was nostalgic and Cindy McCain teary-eyed on the plane back to Arizona. It’s 7:13 p.m. While Obama said he was “pissypants confident” about the Election, McCain waxed poetic about the times his campaign was raked over the coals by the media. The Mac is back? Question mark?

–The Missus: “Whoa, John Kerry’s still in the Senate?” You bet he might be.

–Over on CNN, we’re treated to what I call a Dunlop table, referring to Dunlop jeans, when 200 pounds of human are squeezed into 150-pound jeans and skin has “Dunlopped” over the sides. We have Gloria Borger, David Gergen, Bill Bennett, Roland Martin and Jeffrey Toobin — all with laptops — jammed together like they’re at a coffee shop writing their next novella.

–Reelected Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss “sounds like the buxom heroine of my new romance novel,” according to Mo.

–Tim! and I severely underestimated the creepiness of Harold Ford Jr. If he took a sip of snake’s blood on air, he wouldn’t register for me as any more creepy.

–GOP message man Alex Castellanos, “If Republicans can’t beat a lunatic like Al Franken, then we’re in bad shape.” Yes, that’s true. Chuck Norris is on his way with a Total Gym right now.

–CBS calls Ohio for Obama at 9:22 p.m. Bob Schieffer: “I don’t see how John McCain can win now.” Later both the Dakotas went McCain but I didn’t think Dakota Fanning was old enough to vote yet. Now all we’re doing is waiting until California, Oregon and Washington come in at 11 p.m. so with zero votes counted in those states the networks can declare them for Obama and Obama the winner.

–NBC’s go-to presidential historian Michael Beschloss must have fallen asleep in the spray-tan booth. That and historians are notorious sunbathers.

–Over on CNN, the Black-Eyed Peas’ Will.I.Am appears live via hologram. My buddy Cobra writes, “If they can do this crap, where’s my hoverboard? I’ve been waiting for that since I was 7.”

–Right at 11 p.m. all networks like dogs with bones on their noses call it for Obama. Very special correspondent Patrick chimes in, “I just saw two dudes on TV kissing at the Obama celebration…these liberals aren’t wasting any time.” On that note, it looks like Prop. 8 in California may be defeated. It will be interesting to see how the voters that Obama brought out — blacks, Latinos etc — voted on Prop. 8.

–Patrick also gives us this gem from Karl Rove on Fox News Channel.

Chris Wallace: “What’s it going to be like to have an African-American president and African-American first family?”

Rove: “Well look, we’ve had an African-American first family for many years: The Cosby Show.”

–”The jerk store called. They just ran out of Obama. There, I said it.”

–McCain gives a great speech in Phoenix that is reminiscent of the McCain members of all parties love. I can’t stop watching Sarah and Todd Palin. When I see them I can’t not think about the scene from Season 1 of AMC’s “Mad Men” when Pete Campbell explains his wish of shooting a deer to Peggy Olson. I think every day with them is as intense as that scene. We’ll definitely hear more about the McCain-Palin relationship in the coming days. I thought McCain’s problems could be summed up by the bumper sticker we saw at our polling place, “I’m voting for Sarah Palin and that other guy.”

–NBC has PBS radio host Tavis Smiley on after the race is called. Smiley says if he wasn’t strapped down to his chair he’d be leading everyone in the Electric Slide. Tom Brokaw: “Let me tell you you’re dealing with a bunch of white people here.” So what? We should do the Boot Scootin’ Boogie then?

–My brother Dan: “I miss Joe Sixpack already…but not the plumber.”

The Weekender, Vol. Deuce

Wow. Or as my friend Derrick would say, “Wow, wow, wee wow.” Lots of news breaking this a.m. but not much of it has to do with John McCain or Barack Obama besides a whole lot of polls with Obama in the lead. Here in Knoxville the big news is Coach Phil Fulmer not coming back to coach UT football next year. And you know what? I think it’s time. Mrs. Pony’s family members are die-hard fans having grown up with the team and they are genuinely disenfranchised (probably could use a better term when referring to amateur athletics but I won’t) by Fulmer in the 21st Century. Probably the biggest nail in his Big Orange coffin besides his 40 losses since the end of the 1998 championship season is Bruce Pearl, the head men’s basketball coach at UT. Let me explain.

My in-laws and The Ponies went to the UT-Northern Illinois game at Neyland Stadium when the Vols barely squeaked out a win against the visiting team and Tim, my uncle I’ll call him, and my father-in-law Dan on the ride home kept talking about tradition and how far UT had fallen. They also kept bringing up Pearl who has come in and completely rejuvenated the men’s basketball program in Knoxville. Pearl was a winner with nothing but scrubs his first seasons and Fulmer has all the talent in the world, they said. Why can’t Fulmer win with the talent he has on the field? Their answer: coaching. So given that backdrop the clamoring for Fulmer’s ouster reached a deafening level.

Anyway, on to the Weekender, Vol. Deuce — aka “The Gamechanger”.

The Missus and I caught McCain on Saturday Night Live, and the candidate does self-deprecating humor pretty well, which is about the only kind of humor a politician can do (SEE AL GORE, HOT TUB). It’s why I think the Palin appearance was not very good because had it been her standing next McCain during the QVC sketch she would have never rubbed her jacket like Tina Fey did during the joke about campaigns being expensive.

(SIDENOTE: I’ve just spent the last seven minutes trying to figure out how to post the video right here, but short of making an entirely new post strickly for the video I can’t make it happen. Can’t write with ‘em. Can’t post with ‘em. Can’t do it.)

So instead you’ll get the link to the video. And please please please enjoy the Cindy McCain cameo. She’s done some good things philanthropically but when she moves she reminds me too much of a heron stalking minnows in a pond.

Also on Saturday the curious timing of Vice President Dick Cheney offering his endorsement of McCain. IT’S THREE DAYS BEFORE VOTERS GO TO THE POLLS. Now when I think of undecided voters I don’t think of people waiting for what President Bush and Cheney have to say. You think of someone unsure of the direction Democrats would take the country in and unhappy with the direction Republicans have taken. Let’s be clear: McCain wants nothing to do with Bush. NOTHING. Zero times has Bush been on the campaign trail with him. When Bush endorsed McCain at the White House, McCain looked like a cat that had just jumped into a pool: awkward. And as if — yes I did. I sure did. I just used “as if” and you are not back in 1991. — Cheney was actually weighing an endorsement between Obama and McCain? So why now? I feel like it can only do harm.

(The conspiracy theorist in me thinks that a McCain loss gives neo-conservatives and Evangelical Christians a fertile breeding ground for the retooling of the Republican Party. A Cheney endorsement helps put Obama in the White House to deal with all these nightmare problems: economy, wars, debt etc. And the GOP comes back stronger in 2012.)

I also just wanted to note two things my former boss Chuck said on “Meet the Press.” First, he mentioned how if this Democratic landslide happens, there could be 30-50 new members of the House and Senate. It will be a chore to corral all the new members without the institutional knowledge and take on some of these gargantuan problems, he said. This, I happen to agree with. Capitol Hill is a big high school, a thought that is almost cliche at this point, but it’s true. Everyone in the halls is sizing up the next person coming down the hall, and the food is just as bad. The Democratic Party’s legislative discipline if they can get people to stop freaking out will be interesting to watch.

Second, he mentioned that some states, primarily Pennsylvania, don’t have early voting and the Obama camp doesn’t have that bank of votes such as in Nevada to rely on. He mentioned PA because there’s very few scenarios of a McCain win that don’t include him winning PA.  Also, lines at polling places could become an issue. Like Corey Haim, could the Obama camp become a victim of its own success?

This was no Magic Bullet infomercial

So I know I’d try and develop a pattern with posting but lately the pattern of friends marrying has dominated my schedule. As much as I’d like to refrain from free food and drink I can’t. At a wedding reception I’m like a bear that smells strawberry jam inside a locked car. Before you know it I’m shaking waiters around and putting my entire face in a platter of tuna tartare. By the end of the evening I have a stomach ache and a Boy Scout troop has made national news by successfully fending me off and saving dozens of innocent lives.

When I got back to Knoxville I wanted to try and do something for you all and thought that with the Obama informercial coming up I’d keep a running diary of it, and with McCain going on “Larry King Live” after it, in the interest of equal-Pony I’d keep tallies of that as well.

Let’s get started.

7:59 pm — Shots of amber waves of grain and the American heartland. I automatically think of Budweiser, which gets me upset because now they’re own by the Dutch. I was kind of hoping to see some shots like “Friday Night Lights”, a little grittiness and some bleakness contrasted with Obama bringing the hope or something. And yes, I just made hope sound like French Onion dip.

8:01 — Meet Rebecca Johnston (sp?) and her snack drawers. Her husband has a torn ACL and meniscus and he is know longer owned by 95 percent of fantasy football teams.

8:03 — Rebecca tells us of rising costs, “I can remember a time when we didn’t have to worry about this.” Sounds like what I heard under sorority girls’ breath when I showed up on GW’s campus.

8:04 — We’re back to Obama in some sort of wooden room that looks like the inside of a sailboat. Every American will have a sailboat when he’s president.

8:04 — After blaming the previous eight years’ worth of failed financial policies for the current economic crisis he uses one of them — low cost loans to small businesses offered after 9/11 — in his plan. If he tells me to shop my way out I’m turning off the TV.

8:06 — Obama: “Americans aren’t looking for a handout.” Really? Have you seen the lines for the free samples at Costco?

8:08 — Message received after 72-year-old Larry puts on his WalMart name tag to earn money for pills: There’s nothing more depressing than working at WalMart. Cheap stuff though.

8:12 — “Hi, I’m Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google. I might own your soul in a few years so I thought we should get acquainted. Vote Obama.”

8:14 — An Albuquerque woman peruses coupons in a grocery store because times are tough. Why not make a national coupon czar? You’ve seen people that buy $1,000 worth of groceries for $17 because they file away coupons like squirrels do nuts. America needs to become a coupon clipper. Ten billion a month for war in Iraq, yeah, we have that coupon. Got it from the New York Times. Thanks Judith Miller!

8:15 — Some more Obama old family photos. I feel like I’m in his basement after a dinner party and the wine is wearing off. We’ve seen the photos before during the DNC. Let us know when you go to Acapulco and come back with different shots.

8:19 — Obama reads Harry Potter with his daughter. The RNC will spin this into ads in battleground states depicting Obama as a “kid wizard” and “sorcerer”.

8:21 — Joe Biden tells us a story of when he needed a Trapper Keeper to hide his excitement about Obama.

8:25 — Bill Richardson, the Clinton Judas, looks like he and his facial hair just wandered in out of the desert. That could be just the mescal talking though.

8:26 — Obama hits his cue going to the live event in Florida. If it had been George W. Bush coming in live we would have been treated to 30 seconds of shifting papers and blank stares into the camera. Style is not everything but it is something.

8:29 — Perhaps the most fascinating part to me for some reason was the final Obama logo coming onto the screen. Very marketing-y. I thought we might see one of those “more bars in more places” hidden symbols by AT&T and treated to shots of an awkward man landing an impossibly hot woman.

Overall, the production was slick and came off like the convention in Denver. Lately talk has been about how most undecided voters will break toward McCain, but this infomercial could help against that break, I think, because it was very much like the convention. And after conventions candidates get bounces in the polls.

Now on to McCain sitting down with Larry King or as I liked to call it the Battle at the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet.

9 pm — Larry King looks like defrosted meat only you forgot to turn it halfway through so one side is really hot and the other still frozen. Guess which side looks cold, and it’s yet another reason to do the interview in Florida.

9:02 — McCain hits Obama on not taking public campaign financing after saying he would. It’s a bit like setting up a pie under a box propped up by a stick with a string tied to it. Now McCain is eating the pie and saying, “It tastes good to me.” If only the pie were $50 million in public funds. Obama has roughly seven of those pies.

9:03 — McCain and King look like two old men who should be peeking out through their shades to catch someone letting their dog crap on their lawn. The paranoia is palpable.

9:04 — McCain wants copies of purported videos of Obama with former domestic terrorist Bill Ayers and activist Rashid Khalidi, a professor at Columbia mind you, to be released to the general public. Not that the campaign could put it up on the Internets and let Joe Sixpack run wild with it. McCain is also looking for his copy of “Cocoon” if you see it.

9:07 — Larry King looks like he just fired Lane Kiffin using an overhead projector.

9:11 — The Straight Talk Express gets derailed when asked if McCain is hampered by Bush’s record. “Lots of people don’t have sitting presidents in their party campaign for them. The reason I’d cross the street if I saw him walking my way is he swings his arms and I don’t want to get hit.”

9:12 — McCain: “Every time I’m around [Sarah Palin] I’m uplifted.”

9:13 — McCain has about “5,000 top advisers” but that’s not the problem.

9:14 — McCain rubs his nose like Lindsay Lohan coming out of the bathroom and proceeds to tell us he has “total” confidence in Palin. Larry King responds, “I love Total cereal.”

9:26 — Coming out of two commercial breaks and a bit by CNN’s John King, we get some more of Joe the Plumber. Not quite sure of the narrative McCain wants to keep with this Joe the Plumber guy. Let’s look at it this way: McCain has blasted Obama for being too much of a celebrity a la Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. But if you were to guess which person, Obama or Joe the Plumber, is being considered for a recording contract who would it be? Perhaps he can bang on pipes. Just as long as he doesn’t get out of the car without any underwear on.

9:33 — A “teeny, teeny minority” will vote based on race, McCain says. The others will vote based on the color of the “itsy bitsy polka dot bikini”.

9:34 — When has Obama displayed a steady hand, McCain asks. Perhaps when you were stumbling around behind him and freaking out during the second debate. That’s one time.

9:36 — McCain finishes up saying he can’t complain about the media and that he’s a guy “with humble beginnings who only wanted to be a Navy pilot.” And then he held up a bowl full of kittens and softened for viewers the once hard edges of his persona.

Five days left…

Tighten up your poll

First of all, God bless America. And second of all, God bless LenDale White. Much as he does with copious portions of food, I have an unhealthy obsession with him.

Moving on, we’ve seen a couple of polls come out today showing a couple of things: tight races in Florida, Virginia and West Virginia, but Obama widening his lead in national FOX News and Ipsos/McClatchy polls. In an AP/Gfk national poll, Obama is winning by a percentage point. Personally, I pay attention to the state by state polls because the popular vote does not mean 270 electoral votes and the White House, a point made in “First Read” this morning and manifested in Al Gore making movies about nature.

The polls remind me of my time at the gym. Recently, and I can now admit this freely, I’ve enjoyed the elliptical machines. I get to move my arms in a purposeful manner and feel like I exercised more than after running for the same amount of time. Also, I’m 6′4″. I don’t look good on these things, but I hold too a high level of disdain for treadmills because I’m no Ivan Drago. I can’t run outside because the roads near my house in Knoxville are paved over farm roads with no shoulders. I’d be safer running along the retaining wall of a shark tank. I also think it’s ridiculous to drive somewhere to run. Why don’t you run to where you’d park and back?

At the gym there are two kinds of elliptical machines, and I use both regularly because why be a one-trick Pony? After a 30-minute workout on one type of machine it tells me I’ve burned 400-plus calories and one the other type after 30 minutes I’ve burned 800 or so.

Mrs. Pony says I should stick with the lower count. In order to justify my consumption habits I like to think of the higher amount. The truth is likely somewhere in between or perhaps not even between 400-800 calories. But I’m exercising the same amount, the same duration, the same relative resistance. A poll suggests that the sample taken is a microcosm — the idea is you take that percentage and expand it to the entire state or nation.

But with such variances between polls who and how are we to trust them? Campaigns obviously tout the ones benefiting them. But as Americans who like displaying images in corn fields and have man-crushes on overweight running backs polls are murky. If it were me I’d take the polls that look worst for your candidate and campaign that way. In that case, the McCain camp is looking up at Obama nationally, and the Obama camp is looking at a statistical dead heat with McCain.

As for the elliptical machines, all I want to know is whether or not I can have an oatmeal creme pie at the end of the day. McCain should probably lay off them for now while Obama can buy a box but not open it yet.

The Weekender, Vol. 1

So as this column develops, I’ll continue to toy with formats and whatnot but I think my brother Dan has a good idea with two smaller posts and one large post per week. I’ll be sure to deviate from this almost immediately — I can virtually guarantee one lost afternoon to the Giada-Barefoot Contessa power hour on the Food Network — but I will do my best to put something up for my handful of readers.

Consider this post the first edition of The Weekender, a play on what some might call an 18-pack of Budweiser and the movie “The Highlander”, which I recently had the pleasure of seeing for the first time since I was 9 years old. The Weekender is also the name of an offer from the New York Times for papers Friday through Sunday. I will defeat this Weekender because there can be only one.

(SIDENOTE: I died a little this previous week after purchasing a nine-pack of Miller Lite. For the past six years I’ve been advocating for beer to be sold in packs of nine cans — The Niner — to bridge the gap between Joe Six-Pack and Tina Twelver. I always wanted nine beers because when you show up at a party, to be nice you hand out a couple but you want to make sure you get yours so you don’t seem like a mooch. If you have a six-pack you could only be left with three cans, which isn’t conducive to “having a good time.” If you have a 12-pack then you could find yourself with nine or 10 drinks but you could also find yourself with a police record in the morning. Hence: the Niner. You give out a couple of drinks with a good, responsible amount left over. And you’re no mooch. Slogan: “When you want to limit yourself but only after you’re drunk.”)

(SIDE-SIDENOTE: I’m a lightweight.)

A quick glance back at the McCain-Obama debate at Hofstra (It was a long weekend for me, you know, being unemployed and all.), which featured a laughing Obama and a teeth-baring McCain. My buddy Sean said McCain sounded like an old man trying to return soup at the deli. If it was Obama returning the soup, the deli could expect Bill Ayers to have planted a bomb in it, according to the McCain camp. If it was McCain returning the soup, the deli could expect the erratic McCain to demand repayment in tiger pelts, according to the Obama camp.

At this point, we have seen a tightening in some states, and I think Obama does need to be concerned with 15 days to go. McCain has been so conflicted since earning the GOP nod. He’s tried to make nice with the base by staying away from who he wanted, Joe Lieberman, and going with Sarah Palin (check out this New Yorker article). He’s hired the same guys that ripped him apart in 2000. And all this hasn’t quite worked and he has dimes to Obama’s dollars in fundraising.

So, what should we watch for? McCain doing the McCain thing and getting all Mavericky by letting Palin go off and do her hockey mom schtick for the base and a liberated McCain getting back to his town hall roots and reeling off in the neighborhood of 150,000 meetings in the last 15 days. Think of it this way: When the cat’s away, the mouse will play. Palin ramps up the anger to turn out the base; McCain is McCain and draws moderates and independents.

Of course that could all come undone when the Obama wave hits Election Day harder than Michael Moore hits a snack cake.

On Saturday, Palin chatted up “Saturday Night Live”, and I thought it was kind of disappointing, probably because of the candidate’s visible discomfort. She looked ready to break into the Pepto Bismol dance.

The following morning, Gen. Colin Powell revealed one of the worst kept secrets on “Meet the Press” when he endorsed Obama. In retrospect Powell really needed to break out his inner Al Davis and use an overhead projector (not the $3 million “overhead projector” McCain slams Obama for securing) to  detail his disappointment with the party. But then again Powell may shy away from such devices during presentations in the near future. Powell’s damnation of the GOP’s direction, in which he came up just short of calling them “dream killers”, was alarming. But what’s damning is that Powell is precisely the type of Republican McCain is supposed to have locked up.

It’s like your parents shrugging you off and buying Girl Scout cookies from the neighbor.

A Touch of the Bubbly

With the baseball playoffs on I’ve been preoccupied with the fate of the Red Sox over the last two weeks, but after last night’s shellacking — good Scrabble word — I’m beginning to turn my attentions elsewhere. Let’s just say, however, that TBS has had an effect on me because I now consider Ellen Degeneres my gay cousin. I’ve actually enjoyed though Ron Darling and Buck Martinez sitting alongside Chip Caray, but anything is better than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver as well as the three-headed Cerberus (Yes, I’m aware that’s redundant) back in FOX’s studio of Jeanne Zelasko, Kevin Kennedy and Eric Karros.

But between games I came across “Inside the Bubble“, a documentary of John Kerry’s campaign team during his 2004 White House bid, on Taegan Goddard’s Political Wire, an excellent source for quick bites of campaign news. Consider Political Wire the doughnut hole to the Hotline’s huge doughnut. (Also check out FiveThirtyEight.com for polling information. It’s done by the number cruncher Nate Silver who works for Baseball Prospectus and came up with PECOTA scores for ballplayers.)

Given that John Kerry’s presidential run was a three-month car crash beginning with his “I’m reporting for duty!” salute I had to watch. A quick review of the movie is that it is 75 minutes of collective headslapping given what we now know about exit polling November 2, 2004. Most importantly: That they were different — in a bad way if you were a Democrat — from actual election tallies.

So naturally, to steal a tool from Bill Simmons, I kept a running diary.

10:15 am: The film opens with Jim Loftus, Kerry’s traveling press manager, touting exit polls on Election Night that show Kerry winning. He says newspapers have a name for such things: “F–king Landslide.” What’s not being said is something about f–king chickens, f–king eggs, f–king counting and f–king hatching.

10:15 am: Vanity Fair writer Michael Wolff takes us back to July 29, 2004 and Kerry’s salute to the DNC crowd, saying “everything changed” with it. Kerry, when the salute is done, gives his head a little Glen Quagmire bob and you half expect a “giggety.” Probably the most fascinating part of the film is the dichotomy between Kerry on camera — stern and serious — and Kerry not on camera, a fairly easygoing guy. Giggety.

10:16 am: Meet Marvin Nicholson: Kerry’s 6′8″ body man. The guy with PB&J’s and hot tea when the candidate needs it. He also grabs the paper from the stoop and no longer pees in the closet.

10:21 am: Going into the first debate we catch a glimpse of Kerry Communications Aide David Wade. And yes, I’m glad you asked, he does look like Perez Hilton.

10:26 am: We’re treated to a shot of a pregnant woman’s stomach with “Kerry for President” written on it and then note that a Newsweek poll showed Kerry receiving a post-debate bounce in numbers. What’s gone underreported is the mini-baby boom after the first Kerry-Bush debate, which was incredibly sexy from a foreign policy standpoint. Kerry: “I will not take my off the ball.”

10:29 am: Joe Biden, everybody! Apparently he can’t keep the s-bomb out of his mouth when discussing with reporters shifting campaign strategies.

10:32 am: The Kerry camp thinks the Bush team, pissed about Kerry’s dominance in the debates, is going to lash out by bringing up Bush 41 or Colin Powell to join the president on stage after the debate is over. Other people considered: a rodeo clown, the Black-Eyed Peas, and Tom Selleck in full Magnum dress.

10:32 am: The “Swift Boat” ads begin to make national news, and the Kerry camp goes into cerebral mode, choosing to not respond. Loftus says, “We (f-bomb) missed it” with the question being whether you respond and keep the story up in the air. Kerry spokesman David Morehouse said Kerry looked weak for not hitting back. Go with the Cool Hand Luke Rule. Remember when he fights Dragline in the prison yard and gets totally whipped but fights until he can’t stand anymore and still tries to fight? Dragline kicked his ass but Luke won the battle. Moral of the story: Cool Hand Luke for President.

10:37 am: Vintage Bush during the townhall-style debate at Washington University in St. Louis. After Kerry alleges the president owns a timber company — which surprised Morehouse, who said, “What the (f-bomb) is he talking about?” — Bush is surprised. “I own a timber company? You need some wood?” Cut from the tape is Bush then imitating porno music.

10:43 am: Campaign adviser Mike McCurry says Kerry has trouble connecting with people. Really? The guy who windsurfs, kitesurfs and has an English (perhaps Irish, I can’t remember it was on one of those VH1 Poshest Cribs or something TV shows) farmhouse dismantled and remantled (a word?) in Sun Valley has trouble connecting? Guy couldn’t make a connection with clear blue skies and four-hour layover.

10:44 am: Vintage Kerry from the trail: “Bill Clinton and I were talking and he said, ‘You know when the other guy wants you to stop thinking and is trying to scare Americans into not thinking and you want Americans to think about their future, it’s pretty clear who you ought to vote for.” I think I saw this on the LSAT.

10:45 am: In another headslapper, Morehouse recalls popping champagne corks and celebrating in 2000 a little too early. Everyone always mentions the champagne corks popped but no one every remembers the opened but unused condoms at these celebrations.

10:47 am: Loftus is adamant that he wants a live pony (no relation) in Marvin Nicholson’s hotel room for Nicholson’s birthday. Loftus, yelling at the advance team: “If you can’t get a pony, get a goat in lingerie…Do it! Do it! Do it! You’ve got f–king three hours!” Nicholson finds an anatomical correct inflatable sheep in his bed. Loftus says the advance team “sucks” and starts in with the “When I was an advance guy…” Most gems like this are sold by Tom Shane.

10:54 am: Morehouse: “Loftus should go to bed instead of the bar.”

10:56 am: Kerry is taping an interview in a Green Bay locker room with a major network and is forced to wait. “I don’t know who exercised in this locker room last but they left a lot of themselves here.” The campaign needed more of that Kerry. If he needed to conduct interviews in a locker room more often, fine.

10:58 am: Nearing the end of the campaign, more and more Kerry staffers are sporting Red Sox hats as the team made its run during the playoffs. When Red Sox do beat the Cardinals in the World Series, the campaign hits core meltdown. Loftus describes Kerry when the Sox won as on his knees “going like ‘Holy S–t”. More Loftus: “I feel like renting a unicycle and riding it up the street and blowing my brains out” even before the end of this campaign. And no, I didn’t make that last quote up. He adds later that he’d trade a Red Sox championship for a Kerry win. Ummm, I can’t join you in that raft, sailor.

11:04 am: Ladies and gentlemen, Osama bin Laden releases a videotape four days before Election Day. Democrats use words like “hunt” and “kill” and “barbarians,” and Americans tune into TNT thinking there’s a new TV series.

11:08 am: Nicholson whips up a cup of hot water, lemon and honey for Kerry on the campaign trail. It’s chased with a steaming pile of lame.

11:11 am: Bob Shrum makes an appearance. For those of you who don’t know, Shrum wrote Ted Kennedy’s 1980 DNC “dream shall never die” speech but is oh-for when working a presidential campaign. It would be like sending your one-legged roommate into a group of girls to make contact instead of sending your three-legged roommate.

11:19 am: Josh Gottheimer, a Kerry speechwriter, doesn’t know what state he’s in but has “nervous optimism” about Election Day. He says a win would be due in large part to Shrum, who is standing next to him. Shrum looks like he swallowed a bug.

(SIDENOTE: Phrases such as “nervous optimism” and “cautious optimism” need to go. Let’s move forward with phrases such as “pissypants confident.”)

11:25 am: CNN’s Candy Crowley is asked if the weather is supposed to be good for Election Day in Ohio: “No. And that has to be a concern.” Or the concern could be the campaign doesn’t know who is going to vote for them. But you know what they say, “If you don’t like who is voting for you just wait five minutes.”

11:30 am: The campaign is cautious about relying on exit polling because of 2000. Loftus calls it a “Fool’s Paradise until 8 o’clock.” At 8:30 pm on Election Night, Kerry adviser Joe Lockhart says they’re in a “strong position.” Oh, Greg, how’s your portfolio? I’d say strong to very strong.

So with that said, have fun with tonight’s debate.

Putting the ‘duh’ in debate!

Here I am.

The monster post I promised two weeks ago fell through primarily through the advent of tequila and carnitas. I had said I’d write about the last weekend of September during which Obama and McCain debated for the first time, my friend Sean was married and my fantasy football team, The Big Dusty Pony, faced my other friend Mo’s team, The Does, in a fierce contest of imaginary football teams contesting for our imaginary pride.

Well, all that came to a screeching halt when the debate was not allowed to be televised due to the political temperaments of the two families soon to be joined in wedded bliss. I drowned my sorrows in fried pork tacos, ceviche, and some adult beverages. In an effort to maintain The Pony’s spirits, I rode a rake like a horse as seen here:

But in case you were wondering, my friends did get married without a hitch (unless you want to include my dreadful toast) and I did beat The Does. Mo’s father was aghast at the defeat:

I celebrated:

And this man didn’t care:

So instead of a “monster” post you’ll get a somewhat smaller one because I’ve just watched the second debate between McCain and Obama and needed to put live crabs down the front of my shorts to stay awake. Located in Nashville, the debate was townhall-style — I ordered a hotdog “townhall-style” at my local Sonic but it wasn’t what I expected — meaning that the candidates can walk around and take vetted questions from the audience and Internet.

There were two exciting moments during the debate: when McCain tried his hand at a joke with “that one” and on a separate occasion blurted out, “Did he say how much the fine was going to be?” after he had said Obama would fine families for not having health care for their children.

Other than that, they leveled the same accusations of voting 95 times for this and 24 times for that and being in bed with Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. (I thought McCain missed a golden opportunity to point out that some Obama campaign advisers are former administrators for the two companies.) Okay, fine, I’ll ask: at what point do we stop believing the numbers these guys toss out about votes when trying to slam their opponent? 100? 1,000? 10,000? If Obama said McCain voted 10,000 times against regulating markets would that be as absurd as the number he throw outs now? I’m leaning “nay” and not just because this website is The News Pony.

The point is debates are supposed to reveal new portions of someone’s record. But all the viewer gets is a primetime special of more of the same. If people wanted that then “Sportscenter” would run continuously from 6-10 pm. That’s why things need to be mixed up a little at the debates.

1) Since the media can’t stay away from phrases such as “squared off against”, “faced”, “took the gloves off” and “pulled no punches” why not stick the candidates in the ring and drop a microphone down from the rafters. At the very least it might seem like a LL Cool J video but at least the boxing phrases make more sense.

2) And this could only work after the first debate, but the moderator keeps track of accusations from the trail and the first debate only to interrupt the candidate when he levels an old and/or baseless charge. The media has set up “factcheck” segments after the debates to see if the candidates are telling the truth. Guess what? Both McCain and Obama are not speaking the truth some of the time. Short of bringing in Jack Burns to give a lie-detector test why not have the moderator step in and say, “Candidate 1, you are fibbing.”

3) Why not have the candidates ask each other questions? NFL, MLB, NBA teams don’t perform this weird dance of interacting but only through the referees. They play each other. The way it’s set up now a candidate basically talks about the other person as if he or she isn’t in the room, which is just embarrassing for everyone. You would still need a moderator to be the referee and keep track of time (Speaking of which, somebody take Tom Brokaw’s stop watch away.) but I want to see battles for field position and who makes a run in the fourth quarter. I bet someone would crack and toss out the Bill Ayer’s relationship or McCain’s noted temper and then we’d see just how these guys react to adversity. I don’t necessarily want a Jerry Springer episode but a little back and forth couldn’t hurt. Scratch that, I would like a Springer episode.

Other suggestions include overhead cameras to see what they’re writing on the notepads and having something outdoors so you could smell meat grilling and hear lawnmowers.

All I’m asking is for a little more adversity in these debates because we all depend on these to judge a candidates resolve and character. It’s already a dicey proposition that so much depends on these because three good performances does not a good president make. It’s like drafting a good player simply because of his performance in the final tournament when he or she played way above their level (see Bradley’s Patrick O’Bryant). Yeah it means something but there’s more to someone than a couple of games.

Tyler Perry and independent politicians

There is currently a bombardment of TV commercials for Tyler Perry’s “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” on TNT, and it got me thinking about identities. Tyler Perry is actor/writer/comedian(?) with such notches in his belt as “House of Payne” on TBS. I’d say that the majority of the time in his TV shows or movies he acts as his character “Medea”, the matriarchal old grandmother of a usually chaotic family in some terrible holiday situation.

His use of Medea has gotten to the point where I’ve begun to wonder: Does Perry wake up as Medea only to disrobe and put on men’s clothing for meeting? Or does he wake up as Perry only to don the gray wig and fake bosoms of his female alter-ego? Is he more Perry or more Medea?

In the last six years there have been some “party switches” by national pols that’s drawn major media attention. Let it be known that I’m not talking about the party switch that goes on over your head when you’re walking around with a case of Miller Lite under your arm and your favorite pants on. In 2001, then-Sen. Jim Jeffords from Vermont became an independent switching from the GOP. And most recently, Sen. Joe Lieberman became an independent after losing the Democratic primary in 2006. He was eventually reelected back to his seat that same year. Even more recently Lieberman, Al Gore’s vice presidential nominee in 2000, spoke at the GOP convention in St. Paul advocating for a John McCain presidency.

Before I move on I’d like to state that one of the reasons Congress sucks harder than an octopus right now is the loss of Independents in both Houses. With the increased polarization of the two parties platforms are rammed through when a majority is gained and any true governing is done by the handful of party politicians willing to think across the aisle.

John McCain is one of those politicians. It remains to be seen whether Barack Obama is one, benefitting of course from his lack of time in the Senate. But with McCain, he was a politician who tinkered with switching parties in 2001 before Jeffords did, according to articles. And in 2004, Kerry, painted as a windsurfing liberal and fake veterean despite him still having shrapnel in his body, seriously courted McCain to join him on the ticket.

The question for Republicans, especially conservative ones, and independent voters this year is what kind of McCain they’ll get: the regular Tyler Perry version who is a Republican that votes solidly Republican a vast majority of the time or the Medea version who is a Republican and everyone can tell she is but the media keeps portraying her as a maverick so he/she begins to wonder?

Does McCain wake up as an independent only to disrobe and go to meetings as a GOPer? Or does he wake up a Republican only to don the fake bosoms of a maverick?

PS–Stay tuned for a monster post after this weekend because it’s a doozy. My friend Sean gets married, the first presidential debate, and I square off against my buddy Mo — a titan among children — in fantasy football. I’m going to try and keep a running diary of the entire event. There may be some photos too…

There’s 50, 50 days left

In honor of Sally O’Malley, my friend Briana and there being 50 days left in the campaign season. I thought I’d offer up a feed-bag of sorts on thoughts political and otherwise. Please check your surroundings thoroughly because in some cases your closest exit may be behind you.

50) I hear “earmark” and I think about marking a pig to recognize whose farm the hog belonged to. I first read about this in “Old Yeller.”

49) After threatening to “shake things up,” nobody wants a soda from Sarah Palin.

48) If Joe Biden showed up at your door selling ice cream, would you buy it? I didn’t think so.

47) Right now it is a tight battle between NPR and John McCain for who is the best sleep-aid.

46) Palin may campaign with McCain more often than veep candidates usually do, according to a McCain aide. Awesome, he already has a caretaker.

45) McCain, at breakfast: “These are important times. And important meals.”

44) I’d bet $10 that Obama doesn’t say “Jesus Christ” when he curses but something along the lines of “cheese and rice” like a tv movie.

43) When Obama asks for more undershirts do you think he asks for more “wifebeaters?”

42) I cannot field-dress a moose.

41) Biden charged McCain with “a low blow a day” — there’s a number of directions this could go in.

40) There are few certainties in life but at least of them is this: If you are walking along a highway then your life is not going as planned.

39) Palin voted to keep bars open until 5 a.m., according to Newsweek, and to charge victims for screening after they were raped, according to everyone. No thanks, I might call it a night.

38) I can see a dumptruck from my window, does that make me an expert on construction?

37) 37!

36) Obama’s “ummms” and “ahhhs” make him sound like he’s giving a book report on “A Wrinkle in Time.”

35) I can’t wait until David Simon takes up the Culture War in his next project.

34) Obama ridiculed McCain for not being able to send an email, but judging from the messages I get from my parents he might want to rethink that tactic.

33) Help! I’m a Nigerian prince with a large cash in the bank…

32) Not sure if I’ll buy an energy plan from T. Boone Pickens but if he had some jugwine I’d take it.

31) Is it me or does “Bridge to Nowhere” sound like an epic night with a single friend who strikes out multiple times and ends up freebasing the Breakfast Sampler at IHOP? I think it does.

30) Saw this on a bumper sticker but it bears repeating: Dick Cheney skis in jeans.

29) Why should drinking Red Bull and vodka as a competitor at a track meet get you investigated? If Joe Biden arrived to a debate hopped up on Rumrunners you think Palin would mind?

28) Speaking of debates, it is time for Tom Bergeron to moderate a debate. He’s done Hollywood Squares, America’s Funniest Home Videos — he’s already familiar with the Democratic voting system — and Dancing with the Stars. It’s his time. It’s time.

27) Would any of you want Bill and Hillary (and Chelsea) looking over your shoulder?

26) Ryan Seacrest is no Tom Bergeron.

25) Just because I call hot dogs “tube steaks” doesn’t mean I should vote for the candidate who does.

24) Chicago guy Obama plays basketball and Alaskan Palin goes snowmachining. Does this mean Arizonan McCain cooks crystal meth in a trailer and Delawarian Biden goes antiqueing?

23) Yes, that’s the only thing I could think of to do in Delaware even though I’ve surfed there. But my Delaware experience is mainly dominated by the fact that I rode home from Lewes to Washington, DC sharing the backseat with a wooden clawfoot circular table my parents bought when I was 13.

Ok, fine, so I only made it to 23. Cheese and rice!

Lipstick it!

Sen. Obama! Too soon, man! Too soon! Sarah Palin called ‘dibs’ on the word “lipstick” when she disparaged hockey moms everywhere by comparing them to pit bulls, but she did so nonetheless. For all we know she’s in contact with a former-”Mr. Ron Mexico” and federal prisoner Michael Vick in an effort to create a broad underground network of hockey mom fighting rings. But she said “lipstick” and so to use that word in a different phrase that has nothing to do the joke Palin delivered so deftly in St. Paul is outrageous!

The laughter is too fresh, Sen. Obama! My sides are still split open from the hilarity and, point of fact, I need to change the dressings that are soaked through with giggle. We Americans like our folksy sayings even though they’re older than dirt, and to hear them on the national stage by souls like Sarah Palin makes them all the more precious.

Had you used the phrase “a bit like putting earrings on a pig” you could have avoided this conflict. But you had the audacity of hope to compare Palin to a pig, according to the McCain camp, when she is so clearly an American bitch (to use her own words).

Please, Sen. Obama, show a little sensitivity to the sanctity of the “dibs” call on “lipstick” that the McCain campaign showed you with “change.”