Obama, plus one

“Bear Witness.”

It is a subtle porn name that all Americans can claim this morning after Barack Obama’s victory Tuesday. Whether you were a McCain, Obama, Nader, Barr etc. voter, what happened yesterday was something not unimaginable but unbelievable. Now, people can argue about whether an Obama presidency will make us safer, more economically stable and healthier but it cannot be argued that today is just like any other day in America. And we are all witnesses to this dawning.

On NBC, Obama campaign manager David Plouffe talked about competing in red states such as Indiana and North Carolina, dubbing their strategy as “the art of the possible.”  And between Kevin Garnett freaking out, Obama winning states such as Virginia and North Carolina, and this yahoo being a master pick-up artist, quite possibly anything is possible. As my buddy D-How would say, “I can. I can believe it.”

(SIDENOTE: D-How is a Republican and ended his evening by firing off a sulking email to friends saying, “The jerk store called. They just ran out of Obama. There, I said it.”)

So what I have for readers is as follows: a collection of thoughts, observations and musings from me, Mrs. Pony and my buddies all over the U.S. While not quite a running diary, it generally follows the course of the evening and is heavily influenced by my handwriting and the increasing effects of wine on said handwriting. Earlier in the day I had asked my friends to keep me posted about things they saw or thought about Tuesday that might be election-related, an important note considering my friend Johnstone’s unmitigated admiration of all things Campbell Brown.

–To start the day, my buddy Tim! implores me to comment on Chris Berman interviewing Obama and McCain on Monday Night Football, using the words “terrible” and “Berman looks like he’s dying of cancer.” The truth is though that no one in their right mind could think these interviews would be revealing. The candidates worked too hard and too long go on and say something of note like, “You know, the term ‘Redskins’ is pretty racist when you think about it, and I think it’s deplorable that a professional sports franchise would continue to call itself by that name.” Not going to happen. Instead we get answers to questions like “best piece of sports advice,” which is not altogether a terrible question. But the night before the election? In the case of McCain, we were treated to the lovely background noise of jet engines as he gave his interview on a tarmac.

(Coincidentally, the best piece of sports advice I ever received was from my hoops coach Charlie Viars (sp?) when I was 10. He said, “Dribbling into the corner is like going to the toilet. Don’t do it unless you have to.”)

–After being called “un-American” for making plans involving turkey chili, Tim! blames “the food-buying mistakes of his purportedly health conscious girlfriend.” I thought you should know this.

–To receive a free ice cream cone after you voted, Ben and Jerry’s is requiring the customer to have a purple-dyed finger “a la Baghdad,” according to my brother Dan. If you know anything about Ben and Jerry’s this is not altogether unbelievable.

–”Hold…..Hold……HoLD!….HOLD!….send the horse. Full attack,” says Johnstone.

–News from a New York City polling place via Pony correspondent Patrick: “I just watched some elderly lady berate the cr-p out of this 50-year-old guy because she overheard him mentioning to the poll worker that it was his first time voting ever. The eavesdropping older lady reacted with contempt saying that she’s been ‘voting for over sixty years with out missing an election’ and ‘not voting was shameful.’ It was pretty cool when he politely let her know that he just became an American citizen this year and then everyone started applauding and congratulating him on his new status…then again, old people don’t have that filter in their brain so I guess it wasn’t her fault.”

–Still reeling from Ruben Studdard’s win over Clay Aiken, Mo, Manager of The Does, a fantasy football experience, urges Americans to vote, “Remember to vote for ‘Fresno Thai’ as the new Kettle Chips flavor!”

IMPORTANT NOTE: There I was. Just me and my decision. It was the most important decision I’d make Tuesday and I wasn’t at a polling both or looking at my choice of cereal on the top of the Pony fridge. I had been offered a trade by the best team in my fantasy football league. He wanted Larry Fitzgerald and was willing to give up Tim Hightower and Eddie Royal. I’m not going to lie: I spent a good 2.5 hours mulling over this decision on the most important day of my young citizenry, and ultimately decided to do it but we couldn’t figure out how Royal’s early Thursday game would affect the trade process. So I decided to wait a day when the deal was submarined when a week-old trade D-town, the manager of the best team in the league, had offered to another team was accepted. Incredible.

–A text from D-town who was headed to Grant Park in Chicago obviously concerned about his safety: “If Obama loses and I don’t make it out of this mess alive, I will leave Eddie Royal to you. This text is as good as a will, right?” Yes, we can. He went on to compare Grant Park to Lollapalooza sans marijuana. NBC’s Brian Williams said all 13,500 Chicago PD was at the event. Writes D-town, “Pretty sure the entire Illinois police force is out here. Armed. No chance this can go wrong…”

–It’s 7 p.m. and Mrs. Pony and I settle down on the couch. We’re sticking with NBC but clicking around to all networks. Katie Couric’s eyelashes look like sea urchins landed on her face.

– “All day strong. All day long” — slogan for erectile dysfunction, painkillers or my new personal mantra?

–You heard it here first: NBC London correspondent Dawna Friesen needs to be a Bond girl. And a thousand rounds of applause to Chuck Todd’s Danny Bonaduce goat-tee. That thing is timeless.

–A thought: NBC foreign affairs correspondent Andrea Mitchell is married to Alan Greenspan and a potential economic crisis never came up over dinner? Really? There was never a moment, “Could you please pass the candied yams, and oh, so today some of us were talking and think that our financial institutions were built on stacks of false promises and unmanageable debt. Yeah, and the salt too. Thanks”? Really?

–The real winner in all of this: touchscreen technology. Between George Stephanopoulos, Charlie Gibson, Wolf Blitzer and John King all jabbing at thousands of dollars worth of televisions, there didn’t seem to be too many glitches and they all seemed to be able to operate the devices. I even learned a couple of counties along the way. Hello Sarpy County, Nebraska!

–WTNZ is running a “Two and a Half Men” episode titled, “Prostitutes and Gelato.” I think we just found the 2009 West Knoxville High School prom theme.

–NBC’s Kelly O’Donnell reports that McCain was nostalgic and Cindy McCain teary-eyed on the plane back to Arizona. It’s 7:13 p.m. While Obama said he was “pissypants confident” about the Election, McCain waxed poetic about the times his campaign was raked over the coals by the media. The Mac is back? Question mark?

–The Missus: “Whoa, John Kerry’s still in the Senate?” You bet he might be.

–Over on CNN, we’re treated to what I call a Dunlop table, referring to Dunlop jeans, when 200 pounds of human are squeezed into 150-pound jeans and skin has “Dunlopped” over the sides. We have Gloria Borger, David Gergen, Bill Bennett, Roland Martin and Jeffrey Toobin — all with laptops — jammed together like they’re at a coffee shop writing their next novella.

–Reelected Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss “sounds like the buxom heroine of my new romance novel,” according to Mo.

–Tim! and I severely underestimated the creepiness of Harold Ford Jr. If he took a sip of snake’s blood on air, he wouldn’t register for me as any more creepy.

–GOP message man Alex Castellanos, “If Republicans can’t beat a lunatic like Al Franken, then we’re in bad shape.” Yes, that’s true. Chuck Norris is on his way with a Total Gym right now.

–CBS calls Ohio for Obama at 9:22 p.m. Bob Schieffer: “I don’t see how John McCain can win now.” Later both the Dakotas went McCain but I didn’t think Dakota Fanning was old enough to vote yet. Now all we’re doing is waiting until California, Oregon and Washington come in at 11 p.m. so with zero votes counted in those states the networks can declare them for Obama and Obama the winner.

–NBC’s go-to presidential historian Michael Beschloss must have fallen asleep in the spray-tan booth. That and historians are notorious sunbathers.

–Over on CNN, the Black-Eyed Peas’ Will.I.Am appears live via hologram. My buddy Cobra writes, “If they can do this crap, where’s my hoverboard? I’ve been waiting for that since I was 7.”

–Right at 11 p.m. all networks like dogs with bones on their noses call it for Obama. Very special correspondent Patrick chimes in, “I just saw two dudes on TV kissing at the Obama celebration…these liberals aren’t wasting any time.” On that note, it looks like Prop. 8 in California may be defeated. It will be interesting to see how the voters that Obama brought out — blacks, Latinos etc — voted on Prop. 8.

–Patrick also gives us this gem from Karl Rove on Fox News Channel.

Chris Wallace: “What’s it going to be like to have an African-American president and African-American first family?”

Rove: “Well look, we’ve had an African-American first family for many years: The Cosby Show.”

–”The jerk store called. They just ran out of Obama. There, I said it.”

–McCain gives a great speech in Phoenix that is reminiscent of the McCain members of all parties love. I can’t stop watching Sarah and Todd Palin. When I see them I can’t not think about the scene from Season 1 of AMC’s “Mad Men” when Pete Campbell explains his wish of shooting a deer to Peggy Olson. I think every day with them is as intense as that scene. We’ll definitely hear more about the McCain-Palin relationship in the coming days. I thought McCain’s problems could be summed up by the bumper sticker we saw at our polling place, “I’m voting for Sarah Palin and that other guy.”

–NBC has PBS radio host Tavis Smiley on after the race is called. Smiley says if he wasn’t strapped down to his chair he’d be leading everyone in the Electric Slide. Tom Brokaw: “Let me tell you you’re dealing with a bunch of white people here.” So what? We should do the Boot Scootin’ Boogie then?

–My brother Dan: “I miss Joe Sixpack already…but not the plumber.”