A Touch of the Bubbly

With the baseball playoffs on I’ve been preoccupied with the fate of the Red Sox over the last two weeks, but after last night’s shellacking — good Scrabble word — I’m beginning to turn my attentions elsewhere. Let’s just say, however, that TBS has had an effect on me because I now consider Ellen Degeneres my gay cousin. I’ve actually enjoyed though Ron Darling and Buck Martinez sitting alongside Chip Caray, but anything is better than Joe Buck and Tim McCarver as well as the three-headed Cerberus (Yes, I’m aware that’s redundant) back in FOX’s studio of Jeanne Zelasko, Kevin Kennedy and Eric Karros.

But between games I came across “Inside the Bubble“, a documentary of John Kerry’s campaign team during his 2004 White House bid, on Taegan Goddard’s Political Wire, an excellent source for quick bites of campaign news. Consider Political Wire the doughnut hole to the Hotline’s huge doughnut. (Also check out FiveThirtyEight.com for polling information. It’s done by the number cruncher Nate Silver who works for Baseball Prospectus and came up with PECOTA scores for ballplayers.)

Given that John Kerry’s presidential run was a three-month car crash beginning with his “I’m reporting for duty!” salute I had to watch. A quick review of the movie is that it is 75 minutes of collective headslapping given what we now know about exit polling November 2, 2004. Most importantly: That they were different — in a bad way if you were a Democrat — from actual election tallies.

So naturally, to steal a tool from Bill Simmons, I kept a running diary.

10:15 am: The film opens with Jim Loftus, Kerry’s traveling press manager, touting exit polls on Election Night that show Kerry winning. He says newspapers have a name for such things: “F–king Landslide.” What’s not being said is something about f–king chickens, f–king eggs, f–king counting and f–king hatching.

10:15 am: Vanity Fair writer Michael Wolff takes us back to July 29, 2004 and Kerry’s salute to the DNC crowd, saying “everything changed” with it. Kerry, when the salute is done, gives his head a little Glen Quagmire bob and you half expect a “giggety.” Probably the most fascinating part of the film is the dichotomy between Kerry on camera — stern and serious — and Kerry not on camera, a fairly easygoing guy. Giggety.

10:16 am: Meet Marvin Nicholson: Kerry’s 6′8″ body man. The guy with PB&J’s and hot tea when the candidate needs it. He also grabs the paper from the stoop and no longer pees in the closet.

10:21 am: Going into the first debate we catch a glimpse of Kerry Communications Aide David Wade. And yes, I’m glad you asked, he does look like Perez Hilton.

10:26 am: We’re treated to a shot of a pregnant woman’s stomach with “Kerry for President” written on it and then note that a Newsweek poll showed Kerry receiving a post-debate bounce in numbers. What’s gone underreported is the mini-baby boom after the first Kerry-Bush debate, which was incredibly sexy from a foreign policy standpoint. Kerry: “I will not take my off the ball.”

10:29 am: Joe Biden, everybody! Apparently he can’t keep the s-bomb out of his mouth when discussing with reporters shifting campaign strategies.

10:32 am: The Kerry camp thinks the Bush team, pissed about Kerry’s dominance in the debates, is going to lash out by bringing up Bush 41 or Colin Powell to join the president on stage after the debate is over. Other people considered: a rodeo clown, the Black-Eyed Peas, and Tom Selleck in full Magnum dress.

10:32 am: The “Swift Boat” ads begin to make national news, and the Kerry camp goes into cerebral mode, choosing to not respond. Loftus says, “We (f-bomb) missed it” with the question being whether you respond and keep the story up in the air. Kerry spokesman David Morehouse said Kerry looked weak for not hitting back. Go with the Cool Hand Luke Rule. Remember when he fights Dragline in the prison yard and gets totally whipped but fights until he can’t stand anymore and still tries to fight? Dragline kicked his ass but Luke won the battle. Moral of the story: Cool Hand Luke for President.

10:37 am: Vintage Bush during the townhall-style debate at Washington University in St. Louis. After Kerry alleges the president owns a timber company — which surprised Morehouse, who said, “What the (f-bomb) is he talking about?” — Bush is surprised. “I own a timber company? You need some wood?” Cut from the tape is Bush then imitating porno music.

10:43 am: Campaign adviser Mike McCurry says Kerry has trouble connecting with people. Really? The guy who windsurfs, kitesurfs and has an English (perhaps Irish, I can’t remember it was on one of those VH1 Poshest Cribs or something TV shows) farmhouse dismantled and remantled (a word?) in Sun Valley has trouble connecting? Guy couldn’t make a connection with clear blue skies and four-hour layover.

10:44 am: Vintage Kerry from the trail: “Bill Clinton and I were talking and he said, ‘You know when the other guy wants you to stop thinking and is trying to scare Americans into not thinking and you want Americans to think about their future, it’s pretty clear who you ought to vote for.” I think I saw this on the LSAT.

10:45 am: In another headslapper, Morehouse recalls popping champagne corks and celebrating in 2000 a little too early. Everyone always mentions the champagne corks popped but no one every remembers the opened but unused condoms at these celebrations.

10:47 am: Loftus is adamant that he wants a live pony (no relation) in Marvin Nicholson’s hotel room for Nicholson’s birthday. Loftus, yelling at the advance team: “If you can’t get a pony, get a goat in lingerie…Do it! Do it! Do it! You’ve got f–king three hours!” Nicholson finds an anatomical correct inflatable sheep in his bed. Loftus says the advance team “sucks” and starts in with the “When I was an advance guy…” Most gems like this are sold by Tom Shane.

10:54 am: Morehouse: “Loftus should go to bed instead of the bar.”

10:56 am: Kerry is taping an interview in a Green Bay locker room with a major network and is forced to wait. “I don’t know who exercised in this locker room last but they left a lot of themselves here.” The campaign needed more of that Kerry. If he needed to conduct interviews in a locker room more often, fine.

10:58 am: Nearing the end of the campaign, more and more Kerry staffers are sporting Red Sox hats as the team made its run during the playoffs. When Red Sox do beat the Cardinals in the World Series, the campaign hits core meltdown. Loftus describes Kerry when the Sox won as on his knees “going like ‘Holy S–t”. More Loftus: “I feel like renting a unicycle and riding it up the street and blowing my brains out” even before the end of this campaign. And no, I didn’t make that last quote up. He adds later that he’d trade a Red Sox championship for a Kerry win. Ummm, I can’t join you in that raft, sailor.

11:04 am: Ladies and gentlemen, Osama bin Laden releases a videotape four days before Election Day. Democrats use words like “hunt” and “kill” and “barbarians,” and Americans tune into TNT thinking there’s a new TV series.

11:08 am: Nicholson whips up a cup of hot water, lemon and honey for Kerry on the campaign trail. It’s chased with a steaming pile of lame.

11:11 am: Bob Shrum makes an appearance. For those of you who don’t know, Shrum wrote Ted Kennedy’s 1980 DNC “dream shall never die” speech but is oh-for when working a presidential campaign. It would be like sending your one-legged roommate into a group of girls to make contact instead of sending your three-legged roommate.

11:19 am: Josh Gottheimer, a Kerry speechwriter, doesn’t know what state he’s in but has “nervous optimism” about Election Day. He says a win would be due in large part to Shrum, who is standing next to him. Shrum looks like he swallowed a bug.

(SIDENOTE: Phrases such as “nervous optimism” and “cautious optimism” need to go. Let’s move forward with phrases such as “pissypants confident.”)

11:25 am: CNN’s Candy Crowley is asked if the weather is supposed to be good for Election Day in Ohio: “No. And that has to be a concern.” Or the concern could be the campaign doesn’t know who is going to vote for them. But you know what they say, “If you don’t like who is voting for you just wait five minutes.”

11:30 am: The campaign is cautious about relying on exit polling because of 2000. Loftus calls it a “Fool’s Paradise until 8 o’clock.” At 8:30 pm on Election Night, Kerry adviser Joe Lockhart says they’re in a “strong position.” Oh, Greg, how’s your portfolio? I’d say strong to very strong.

So with that said, have fun with tonight’s debate.