There’s 50, 50 days left

In honor of Sally O’Malley, my friend Briana and there being 50 days left in the campaign season. I thought I’d offer up a feed-bag of sorts on thoughts political and otherwise. Please check your surroundings thoroughly because in some cases your closest exit may be behind you.

50) I hear “earmark” and I think about marking a pig to recognize whose farm the hog belonged to. I first read about this in “Old Yeller.”

49) After threatening to “shake things up,” nobody wants a soda from Sarah Palin.

48) If Joe Biden showed up at your door selling ice cream, would you buy it? I didn’t think so.

47) Right now it is a tight battle between NPR and John McCain for who is the best sleep-aid.

46) Palin may campaign with McCain more often than veep candidates usually do, according to a McCain aide. Awesome, he already has a caretaker.

45) McCain, at breakfast: “These are important times. And important meals.”

44) I’d bet $10 that Obama doesn’t say “Jesus Christ” when he curses but something along the lines of “cheese and rice” like a tv movie.

43) When Obama asks for more undershirts do you think he asks for more “wifebeaters?”

42) I cannot field-dress a moose.

41) Biden charged McCain with “a low blow a day” — there’s a number of directions this could go in.

40) There are few certainties in life but at least of them is this: If you are walking along a highway then your life is not going as planned.

39) Palin voted to keep bars open until 5 a.m., according to Newsweek, and to charge victims for screening after they were raped, according to everyone. No thanks, I might call it a night.

38) I can see a dumptruck from my window, does that make me an expert on construction?

37) 37!

36) Obama’s “ummms” and “ahhhs” make him sound like he’s giving a book report on “A Wrinkle in Time.”

35) I can’t wait until David Simon takes up the Culture War in his next project.

34) Obama ridiculed McCain for not being able to send an email, but judging from the messages I get from my parents he might want to rethink that tactic.

33) Help! I’m a Nigerian prince with a large cash in the bank…

32) Not sure if I’ll buy an energy plan from T. Boone Pickens but if he had some jugwine I’d take it.

31) Is it me or does “Bridge to Nowhere” sound like an epic night with a single friend who strikes out multiple times and ends up freebasing the Breakfast Sampler at IHOP? I think it does.

30) Saw this on a bumper sticker but it bears repeating: Dick Cheney skis in jeans.

29) Why should drinking Red Bull and vodka as a competitor at a track meet get you investigated? If Joe Biden arrived to a debate hopped up on Rumrunners you think Palin would mind?

28) Speaking of debates, it is time for Tom Bergeron to moderate a debate. He’s done Hollywood Squares, America’s Funniest Home Videos — he’s already familiar with the Democratic voting system — and Dancing with the Stars. It’s his time. It’s time.

27) Would any of you want Bill and Hillary (and Chelsea) looking over your shoulder?

26) Ryan Seacrest is no Tom Bergeron.

25) Just because I call hot dogs “tube steaks” doesn’t mean I should vote for the candidate who does.

24) Chicago guy Obama plays basketball and Alaskan Palin goes snowmachining. Does this mean Arizonan McCain cooks crystal meth in a trailer and Delawarian Biden goes antiqueing?

23) Yes, that’s the only thing I could think of to do in Delaware even though I’ve surfed there. But my Delaware experience is mainly dominated by the fact that I rode home from Lewes to Washington, DC sharing the backseat with a wooden clawfoot circular table my parents bought when I was 13.

Ok, fine, so I only made it to 23. Cheese and rice!